What if Bottom was made into a video game?
by Baz The Storyteller
Summary: An essay explaining what if a video game was made based on the adventures of the Hammersmith Hard men?


WHAT IF BOTTOM WAS MADE INTO A VIDEO GAME?

Just for fun. What if someone were to make a 16 bit side scrolling platformer of this show. It could be downloaded off the net like Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures.

It should be 16 bit because this is a 90's show, so it should look and feel like a Super Nintendo or Sega Mega Drive game.

You play as both Richie and Eddie. Much like Donkey Kong Country, you can switch between characters for different abilities. Richie can jump high and Eddie can smash through walls with his head.

You can pick up weapons such as crowbars, frying pans, fire extinguishers, cricket bats and eat Sprouts Mexincaine to fart fire on you enemies.

It should be your average "Get from point A to point B" method. At the end of each level, you will fight a boss.

LEVEL 1: THE FLAT

Richie and Eddie haven't paid their rent and the Landlord is looking for them, so the duo have to find the emergency exit. Enemies include Jehovah's Witnesses, drunk yobs, screaming housewives with rolling pins and screaming women wearing dressing gowns because Richie and Eddie were peeping on them.

BOSS: Mr Rottweiler

He won't forgive the duo for setting his kitchen on fire. His punches can knock you out.

LEVEL 2: THE STREET

It's Halloween and the duo try to see if they can get money from Trick or Treating to pay the rent. You have the cattle prod for electrocuting enemies and making them crap themselves. Enemies include other trick or treaters, punks, neighbours throwing rubbish at you, business men attacking you with umbrellas and briefcases and youths throwing toilet rolls and beer bottles at you.

The Young Ones' house has a cameo.

In this level, you can play as Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog.

BOSS: CANNONBALL TAFFY O'JONES

The Welsh cricketer has a score to settle with the duo.

LEVEL 3: LAMB AND FLAG PUB

Richie and Eddie haven't paid their long bill, thanks to Eddie's ordering many bottles of booze. Enemies include punks (Vvyvan from The Young Ones makes an appearance), yobs, tough cockney, dogs and students. Dick the barman, his daughter, the Falklands soldier, Spudgun's mother and the lesbians all have cameos.

You can also play as Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog in this level.

BOSS: Cruncher

He still isn't through with beating up Richie and Eddie after the pub quiz.

LEVEL 4: FUN FAIR

Richie and Eddie have stolen money off Cruncher and are spending it on the night on the town. They decide to go to the fun fair, but their bad behaviour gets them into trouble. Enemies include policemen, gypos, people behind stalls throwing things like darts and baseballs, and costumers trying to stop Richie and Eddie so that they can be rewarded.

When you get on the ferris wheel, you fight the boss.

BOSS: FORTUNE TELLER

Using her crystal ball, she fires psychic rays at Richie and Eddie.

When she is defeated, the ferris wheel gives way and Richie and Eddie fall to the ground unconscious. They wake up the next morning to find that their money is stolen. How are they going to get it back?

LEVEL 5: GUEST HOUSE PARADISO

Richie and Eddie decide to run the hotel to make some money. They also changed their last names for safety reasons. But they're rubbish at running a hotel and have fed the guests radioactive fish by accident. Enemies include angry chefs, sick guests that open doors and vomit at you, flying radioactive fish and inspectors.

At the end of the level, vomit is filling up the hotel. It's rising from the bottom. Richie and Eddie have to climb to the top of the hotel to avoid being drowned in vomit.

BOSS: Gino Bolognese

Gino has got Gina Carbonarra hostage. But he's feeling sick due to eating the fish. He spits giant balls of vomit at Richie and Eddie.

LEVEL 6: PRISON

The guests want to sue Richie and Eddie for making them sick. But the duo have no money and are sent to a big Maximum Security Prison. Richie and Eddie must escape. Enemies include guards and prisoners.

BOSS: MR BIG

This prisoner has fallen in love with Richie and wants to make love to him.

LEVEL 7: SHIP

Richie and Eddie have escaped the prison and have snuck aboard a cruise ship. But their bad behaviour strikes again and the staff want them off the ship. Enemies include sailors, drunk people, security guards.

BOSS: A LOUNGE SINGER

This lounge singer wasn't happy with Richie and Eddie slagging him off throughout his performance. So he teaches them a lesson.

LEVEL 8: HOOLIGAN'S ISLAND

The duo have escaped the ship and have stolen a lifeboat. They take it to a small island. They stay there and try to survive. There is a Frenchman somewhere on the island and he is planting a bomb. Richie and Eddie must stop him before the time runs out. Enemies include wild animals, albatrosses crapping from the sky, and Welsh Cannibals.

BOSS: A FRENCHMAN

He throws croissants, frogs and snails at Richie and Eddie. He also sprays stink clouds from his arm pits causing Richie and Eddie to gag.

When he is defeated, Eddie gives the bomb a right good knock causing it to explode.

The title screen and end credits have a 16 bit version of the theme tune. The opening title sequence is recreated in 16 bit.

Bonus levels include Richie in a sex shop collecting porn mags before the time runs out and another level where Eddie is in an off licence collection as much booze as he can before the time runs out.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my essay. Now if only someone will make this game. And if they do, I hope it doesn't suck like any TV licensed game.

THE END


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